IMPORTANT: guide on how to chop an onion

Firstly, like my brother, avoid chopping onions at all costs. Buy these guys pre-chopped or get your naive friend to chop one for you. If you must chop them then go in with goggles and read this post a few times. Its brutal.

Lets get into the details. The work. The art.

Did you know that for every pizza made, I’m almost sure, most of the time, an onion had to be chopped. If we plot this on a chart we will see a positive correlation between pizza creation and onions chopped.

Even more importantly – someone had to chop that onion, unless you bought that thingy from Verimark that dices all veggies in under 2 seconds. If you have that device, feel free to stop reading this. Although if your Verimark thingy breaks………….just saying…….

Here are the steps, in what I think is the right order:

  1. Retrieve an onion.

If you don’t have one of these, chopping becomes almost impossible. Your local convenience store should know and be able to provide you with one. If they offer the purple version, do not be alarmed but simply explain that you are not a chef at a 5 star boutique hotel.

  1. Get onion home safely

The distance between the purchase point and home present things like: robots, people, corners, wild animals, texting while driving. We need to be sure that you get home. You and an onion need to be present for successful chopping to begin.

  1. Understand that pain will come

This isn’t funny. Onion steam makes you cry. Chop 1 lets off the onion steam which will make you cry. *note that people who do not cry when they chop onions are not human. You need to leave the house asap if you’re in the company of a smiling person chopping an onion. Leave.

  1.   The chopping

Here is a link to Gordon Ramsay chopping an onion:

Gordon Ramsay Chopping an Onion

I want to leave the grind work up to the pros. I’m more of a pre-onion expert because I often get my brother to chop onions for me.

In closing, I’ll leave you with this thought:

You’ve pretty much gained two critical life skills through this post.

You can chop an onion and you’re aware of the risk. You can also spot non-human life, simply by getting them to assist you with chopping an onion. I explained what to do when you encounter someone who doesn’t cry when chopping an onion. 

So, thanks for being smart enough to stay informed. At this stage my blog isn’t taking money, because, although this type of advice deserves remuneration, I’ve seen what happens to under-prepared onion choppers.

They end up as weeping wrecks and after this post, it would be a crying shame if that were to ever happen to you.